omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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