I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
