an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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