she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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