I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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