i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
