all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
