dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
