my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
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And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
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We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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