He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
