Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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