Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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