I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
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Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
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And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize