we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
