Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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