true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
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I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
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Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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