I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
