dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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