My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
