My hand turned me down
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
