ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
