I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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