he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Randomize
