Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
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My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
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I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
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