i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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