feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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