I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
