I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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