What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
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