alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Randomize
