I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize