I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
