If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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