I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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