I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
