May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
