i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
