all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
