I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
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