Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
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