Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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