a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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