take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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