everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
You've changed since you got that strap on
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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