just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
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I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
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If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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