What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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