omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
