i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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