when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Randomize
