apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Randomize
