you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
