i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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