did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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