I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
