Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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