I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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