sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
