They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
