I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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