I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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