Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
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This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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