Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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