I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Randomize
