Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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