this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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