Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
