I swear she didn't look like that last week.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
