And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
A bitchslap is in order.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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